you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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