my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
