we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
