I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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