I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
