I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
soo... how was my night?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
