god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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