I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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