After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
