shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
