It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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