dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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