Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
