my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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