So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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