Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
