I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Don't EVER smell your tampon
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We need to get me chipped asap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
