I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
