So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
