can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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