they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
