I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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