4 words: hood of his car
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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