"it" just moved
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
