I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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