i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
