Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
