you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
