Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
