The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
