So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
