So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
