he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
