Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
