Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
