Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
