i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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