You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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