In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
