I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
