I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
