I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
