In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
