So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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