I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
