Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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