i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
