Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
