No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
