i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
