Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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