dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
