is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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