sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
